Any time I’m depressed I tend to go through my life and attempt some sort of self reflection. Regardless of depression or not I feel that this is something important that we should all do at some point or another. We need to know that we’re okay. We need to discover what is bothering us and be able to pinpoint it. If we don’t then this delays us in being able to develop and find coping mechanisms that work for us in order to help us move forward in life. So while I am marching forward and making myself get out of bed each morning I found myself thinking I probably need to go see a therapist. Even though typing out my last entry helped me tremendously, and others which makes me happy but sad others know this pain at the same time, I feel I need more help than just writing it out.Continue reading “Self Reflection is Needed for Everyone”
Lately I feel like I’m not getting enough rest. I went through a period where I wasn’t taking care of myself. Even after talking with my doctor this past July I neglected taking some of my pills. I noticed that I had an influx of pills I had not bothered with and ultimately I think it has affected me far more than not. I should have been to see the doctor again by now but I still have enough pills for one more month. I basically took them on and off so I have about a month and a half worth of pills more than I should have by now. I am thinking of making an appointment for the 29th of this month regardless or at least getting my blood drawn so the following week I can go have an actual appointment.Continue reading “Realities of Depression with a Side of Anxiety”
New year, new you. That’s the saying that most us hate and many us partake in come the new year. I’ve found that I hate resolutions. I don’t see the point in them. I always feel that I set myself up to fail. I don’t know if it this is because in the past I have set one too many resolutions for myself or not, but the fact of the matter is I don’t like the word resolution. According to the dictionary resolution means the following: a firm decision to do or not do something. The action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter. Granted, the word is nothing particularly horrible because in many ways resolutions help us accomplish goals.
You ever go into a month with good intentions? That is what October was for me this year. I was determined I would get up my thirty one reviews for Halloween, write for another site, watch a ton of horror films, do all things spooky oriented, and go to Walker Stalker Con. I will admit I did most of what is above, but at around day fifteen I got so far behind with my thirty one reviews that I felt beyond overwhelmed and I shut down here instead of anywhere else. My apologies for that.
I have been trying to catch up on the Arrowverse for a while now. I’m finally all caught up on all four shows. During the last season season two of Supergirl Cat Grant said, “Life is long and you will be many people before the end. This quote has stuck with me for some time now. I think sometimes we are many different people, yet the same person. I have thought a lot this past year about facades and what we show people and what we don’t. I’ve try to be as open as possible, but I do think certain events in our lives that change us. I’m not the same person I was before losing Chris. I’m not the same person I was before losing my mom. Both versions before suffering those losses in my life are distant thoughts. I honestly cannot remember those versions of myself.
Earlier this year I talked about my funk. I haven’t had the courage to write about part of that depression until now. I’m thirty-four years old and not naive that my days of becoming a mother are more limited the older I become. In fact, when I was in my twenties I made a remark that if I did not have kids by the time I was thirty-five I guess I would not have children at all. Needless to say remembering those words coming out of my mouth this year on my birthday was a hard pill to swallow. Maybe that’s part of why mother’s day was so hard for me this year. I attempted to start writing about why mothers should need shown appreciation, and my other mother, earlier this year and could not bring myself to finish the post. Not on Mother’s Day and not because I don’t believe in such. I did not because when you are faced with a uterus who is constantly angry at you and judging you for the lack of child in your womb it is difficult to do so.
Upon my mother’s death all of my family members at one point or another were harassed by a yellow butterfly. I kept seeing yellow butterflies show up everywhere I went, even on the job interview that landed me my first job. I kept thinking, “How strange.” I of course thought this was stranger upon hearing about my families experiences as well. It wasn’t until today I happened upon a site that speaks of butterflies as omens. Continue reading “Butterflies in the…office”
For a while now my radio will randomly shut off. This has more to do with the CD player in my car and I’m not sure what is wrong with it. I’m positive this has to do with a wire somehow because while sometimes the CD player just shuts off and other times it shuts off and unlocks/locks my doors. Either way this has made my mornings and afternoon drives super frustrating. Some days it doesn’t shut off at all, which is awesome. Other mornings I feel like I’m a part of a phone call where I’m trying to tell the other person the connection is bad and to stop talking and call me back later. This has prompted a bunch of insane outbursts from me. Granted, driving in general prompts a bunch of insane outbursts from me, which I will write about at a later time, that includes random profanity I have been trying to use less.
I feel like I ghosted my own site for a couple of days last week. My apologies to all of you. That is mostly due to letting a text I received earlier in the week get to me in ways I never wanted something to affect me. Feeling vulnerable is not easy. People make feeling vulnerable out to be this easy task, but the truth is it’s not. I did not want to speak about the majority of how I felt because admitting those feelings made them true. But the truth is as good as I was feeling, just like that I felt worthless all over again. I felt, and continue to feel, as if I’m not good enough in certain areas of my life. People’s words are far more degrading and condensing than they might intend for them to be and the receiver is often left wondering how to take them. We are left being told that everything will be okay ultimately because the same person who just made us feel this way says so. If only.