New year, new you. That’s the saying that most us hate and many us partake in come the new year. I’ve found that I hate resolutions. I don’t see the point in them. I always feel that I set myself up to fail. I don’t know if it this is because in the past I have set one too many resolutions for myself or not, but the fact of the matter is I don’t like the word resolution. According to the dictionary resolution means the following: a firm decision to do or not do something. The action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter. Granted, the word is nothing particularly horrible because in many ways resolutions help us accomplish goals.
You ever go into a month with good intentions? That is what October was for me this year. I was determined I would get up my thirty one reviews for Halloween, write for another site, watch a ton of horror films, do all things spooky oriented, and go to Walker Stalker Con. I will admit I did most of what is above, but at around day fifteen I got so far behind with my thirty one reviews that I felt beyond overwhelmed and I shut down here instead of anywhere else. My apologies for that.
I have been trying to catch up on the Arrowverse for a while now. I’m finally all caught up on all four shows. During the last season season two of Supergirl Cat Grant said, “Life is long and you will be many people before the end. This quote has stuck with me for some time now. I think sometimes we are many different people, yet the same person. I have thought a lot this past year about facades and what we show people and what we don’t. I’ve try to be as open as possible, but I do think certain events in our lives that change us. I’m not the same person I was before losing Chris. I’m not the same person I was before losing my mom. Both versions before suffering those losses in my life are distant thoughts. I honestly cannot remember those versions of myself.
Earlier this year I talked about my funk. I haven’t had the courage to write about part of that depression until now. I’m thirty-four years old and not naive that my days of becoming a mother are more limited the older I become. In fact, when I was in my twenties I made a remark that if I did not have kids by the time I was thirty-five I guess I would not have children at all. Needless to say remembering those words coming out of my mouth this year on my birthday was a hard pill to swallow. Maybe that’s part of why mother’s day was so hard for me this year. I attempted to start writing about why mothers should need shown appreciation, and my other mother, earlier this year and could not bring myself to finish the post. Not on Mother’s Day and not because I don’t believe in such. I did not because when you are faced with a uterus who is constantly angry at you and judging you for the lack of child in your womb it is difficult to do so.
Upon my mother’s death all of my family members at one point or another were harassed by a yellow butterfly. I kept seeing yellow butterflies show up everywhere I went, even on the job interview that landed me my first job. I kept thinking, “How strange.” I of course thought this was stranger upon hearing about my families experiences as well. It wasn’t until today I happened upon a site that speaks of butterflies as omens. Continue reading “Butterflies in the…office”
For a while now my radio will randomly shut off. This has more to do with the CD player in my car and I’m not sure what is wrong with it. I’m positive this has to do with a wire somehow because while sometimes the CD player just shuts off and other times it shuts off and unlocks/locks my doors. Either way this has made my mornings and afternoon drives super frustrating. Some days it doesn’t shut off at all, which is awesome. Other mornings I feel like I’m a part of a phone call where I’m trying to tell the other person the connection is bad and to stop talking and call me back later. This has prompted a bunch of insane outbursts from me. Granted, driving in general prompts a bunch of insane outbursts from me, which I will write about at a later time, that includes random profanity I have been trying to use less.
I feel like I ghosted my own site for a couple of days last week. My apologies to all of you. That is mostly due to letting a text I received earlier in the week get to me in ways I never wanted something to affect me. Feeling vulnerable is not easy. People make feeling vulnerable out to be this easy task, but the truth is it’s not. I did not want to speak about the majority of how I felt because admitting those feelings made them true. But the truth is as good as I was feeling, just like that I felt worthless all over again. I felt, and continue to feel, as if I’m not good enough in certain areas of my life. People’s words are far more degrading and condensing than they might intend for them to be and the receiver is often left wondering how to take them. We are left being told that everything will be okay ultimately because the same person who just made us feel this way says so. If only.
Being overweight my entire life has provided me with a different outlook than some of my other friends. I’ve had sentences said to me over the years that quite frankly suck. I’ve had assumptions made about me over the years that are the furthest thing from the actual truth. A while back I noticed a good friend of mine online posting her progress with walking so I started walking. I told myself to do at least 10,000 steps everyday humanly possible after work. I stuck with this for a while and my goal is to get back to that eventually. I want the weight off is all I know. I don’t have to be a size 0, but I would like to be at least a size twelve. I’ve always said that if that size is good enough for Marilyn Monroe it is good enough for me. Now for my height, I don’t know how good it will look on me but still.
A friend of mine and I were talking recently about good customer service. I also talked to a man from the company, Power, we purchased new windows from about this as well. he pointed out to me that most of the time the main time people want to leave a review is when something has gone wrong. I couldn’t disagree with this, but I also haven’t gone out of my way to leave bad reviews online either. Most of the time in fact I try to leave good reviews about the experiences I have places. I especially love being able to say, “This place has the best customer service.” The goal of any company is to build a solid relationship with their customer(s) because that is what makes us loyal consumers. We will always go back to a place where we had good experiences. We will always go back to places that fix a mistake. While I cannot say I am breaking up with Moviepass, I paid for the annual pass back in December so I’m with ’em at least until then, I can understand why people are breaking up with this company currently.