Fluffy Talk Part Deux

Trust me I know I’m fluffy is a blog post I made last year. Since then I realized how much I was truly hurting myself. I found myself in a relationship with Doritos and Oreos and it was a great relationship. They were great! Though I have learned once you eat Double Stuffed Oreos you cannot go back to just a regular Oreo. It’s not NEARLY enough cream to satisfy anyone. I learned this lesson because my uncle and dad went shopping and my uncle got the original Oreo. It just makes me sad now. It makes my milk sad!

None of this is truly the point. I’m all about indulging. I don’t think there’s a single person out there who does not indulge at some point. I think it’s important so we don’t fall into traps of eating Taco Bell all week because we haven’t had it in so long it suddenly tastes like the best meal we’ve EVER had. My problem was I was eating all this stuff and not doing anything. I would just eat and think it’ll be fine as I sat on the couch and watched television. Sometimes it was literally music videos. I didn’t have the desire to do anything.

I told primary care doctor when I talked to him last year about depression and anxiety that I didn’t want to do anything. He told me to walk for five minutes a day. Somehow as much as that clicked and I thought it was a great message, I still found myself thinking the following: BUT THE COUCH IS SO AWESOME! I THINK I’M GONNA TAKE A NAP TODAY ON IT! I’ve always felt that naps are the BEST. I used to forgo going anywhere on Friday evenings to take a nap so I could hang out with my friend watching Gordon Ramsey shows later in the evening into the next morning. This still occurs but normally nap free.

My point is I felt so down, so helpless that I let myself get to my highest weight ever. I looked down at the scale and blinked. I wanted to input where I was starting with these ten minute walks everyday my therapist suggested. If two people are telling you to do something for your depression it’s typically a good idea to listen. This time I did listen. Well, this time I took action. That’s a better way to put it. I started out walking for ten minutes a day and in the last month and a half have built myself up to twenty-five minutes a day.

Have I missed days? Yes. Have I made them up? Yes. Do I need to make them up? No. I am attempting to break my MUST MAKE IT UP mentality, but it’s hard because that has always been my mentality. I do find myself now trying to get in something. Even on the days I’m exhausted I do it. And honestly I feel better. I’m back to feeling good again. It’s not because I’m losing weight, though that’s a bonus for health reasons, but the whole point is I’m enjoying my dog on these walks. Even on the days I do not want to complete them my mind says just do it you’ll feel better.

I bring all this up though because my whole goal isn’t to lose weight. However, I am unhappy in my current body. This has a bit to do with my fluff. This mostly has to do with how my mid-section is currently distributed right now. It’s awkward. The rolls are weird and thick. I feel like I have a mini table when I sit down because of them. I lost my confidence because of this. Even when I lost my seventy-five pounds originally I just felt better because that mid-section went away. Was I still overweight? Yes. Very much so, but I was happier in my own skin. I want to be happy in my own skin no matter what number is on the scale.

I think that’s the part that people miss. My body isn’t about you. If I’m happy in my body and my skin why can’t you be happy for me? Why is there this constant shaming? The truth is there shouldn’t be. What makes this worse is knowing kids are STILL enduring teasing for this. Kids are still bullying each other over t their weight. It took me a long time to get to where I am. In fact, I’d be lying if I did not admit that sometimes I still look at my arms sometimes and think UGH. Same with my thighs. But honestly, I know I’m trying to get to where I want to be, so fluffy or not it would be nice if people quit voicing their judgmental opinions toward others.

More importantly, which is why this is getting its own line/paragraph, STOP judging yourself. We are all beautiful. Even if you are unhappy in your own skin right now, just know that you’re awesome. You are beautiful. I’m beautiful. You will get to where you want to be. I will get where I want to be. YOU will get there. I will get there! BELIEVE in YOURSELF. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF! EMBRACE YOUR FLUFF! I EMBRACE MY FLUFF! Why? You might be asking that very question right now and I’m going to give you an answer. Ultimately we are not our fluff. Our insides are not shown on the outside obviously. We are our hearts. We are our minds. We are who we are despite our weight. At the end of the day our weight is just a number. Not a number to obsess over, but one to look at and move on from even when society tells us not to.

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