I’m a Logan Echolls voicemail message

Recently I’ve thought a lot about how we cannot please everyone in life. I wish there was a way we could. And that’s not because I’m a people pleaser, but because I want everyone I know to say they are happy. I want everyone to live the best life they possibly can. In many ways I’m like my father in the sense that I will help anyone when I remotely can. The older I get the more I understand the phrase “you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.” You cannot live someone’s life for them. Sure you can give advice and even suggestions. You can push them in the right direction sometimes, but you cannot truly help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. The desire to be better, to do better, has to be there.

The desire to become a better you is important. Over the past two years I have gotten to a place where I yearn for more. A betterness. I want to be my best me.  I started walking almost every day, which I need to get back into, I started eating better again, which I also need to concentrate more on, and I told myself that I needed to do something to achieve my own goals.  Life is short.  If I have learned nothing else in my lifetime it’s that the cliché life is short is one of the truest statements ever written or spoken.  With that in mind, we should not give up on our goals no matter what our age.  Eventually we will get there.  We will become the us that we have playing out in the movie screen in our head.

Part of being better for me is my writing.  In the past couple of months I felt as if I were doing myself a disservice by not writing.  And honestly since starting this blog I have realized there is a ton I want to say and share with people.  I want to talk with others.  I want to have real discussions.  I want people to enlighten me and teach me about subjects and topics I do not fully understand.  When thinking of my writing, this of course has led to me wondering what kind of career I could have with writing and there are so many avenues I want to go down.  There are so many things I want to do.  So many things I will do.

In addition, I speak in wills now.  I will accomplice my goals.  In some cases I know I need to reorganize these goals so I have a planner.  Last year I bought this super nice planner and thought I could keep organized that way but because it didn’t fit nicely into my purse not so much.  And no I’m not the type that can keep everything in my phone.  I don’t know why I need an old school planner that focuses on a year at a time, but anything else feels overwhelming.  Those are apparently my requirements.  This has made me put down days I’m writing, days I  am plotting out to exercise, reading, starting new books, watching certain shows, everything.

This might seem extreme to people, but I will kick my ass into gear.  I will lose weight.  There is so much weight I gained back that I never thought I would again.  Granted, it’s not everything, but there’s enough that has me narrowing my eyes at the scale again.  I know part of that isn’t merely exercising, but in all honesty that has always been a huge part of my weight loss.  Yes, there are nights I eat horribly, but with the way I shop and what I eat at home, and sometimes even out, there is no excuse not to lose weight. However, I will be honest with myself recently and say I have started eating out far more than I used to.  I need to get to a point where unless it’s a special occasion only eating at certain places once a month.  Treating yourself in moderation is fine, but not all the time.  Hopefully typing this out will drill that mantra into my head.

Of course there have been a lot of mantras I’ve wanted to drill int my head over the years.  Part of that is not being stressed all the time.  I do not want to worry all the time.  I will stop sweating the small stuff.  I will not let what others think of me get to me.  Yes, words can hurt, but they are words and I have to let them go to heal.  With that say I will probably be writing a lot more on these subjects to let them go so there will be some semi sad and possibly uncomfortable entries ahead.  I need to heal.  I will heal.  Part of not feeling so stressed is telling myself to stop being so damn hard on myself too.  With any little mistake, because of my anxiety, I will replay five scenarios in my head nine times out of ten of how I could have handled that scenario differently.  Sometimes it is walking away, sometimes it is a response that would have been epic, but regardless there are plenty of scenarios cluttering my brain.

And last but not least, I have to remind myself there is clutter.  I have told myself recently I need to quit buying so much crap.  If someone else chooses to buy me whatever that is different, but the clearance sections in stores are not my friend.  I have made myself stop walking near them because nine times out of ten I can always find something to buy there. There is also my horrible habit of buying festive or cute socks because they are cheap.  Needless to say the amount of socks I have is insane and yet when my friend wanted to give away some A Nightmare Before Christmas socks earlier in the year I took them!  Of course I did!  As one of my other friend’s pointed out I love a good pair of socks.  And that is the weirdest thing to admit, but it’s insanely true for me!!!  If it’s a part of cute socks, a T-shirt, art, anything Snoopy related, or a Funko Pop figure the chances of a purchase is high.  I will be picky when it comes to these items.  I will wait for others to buy them instead so it’s a gift and means more.

Ultimately, I bring all of this up because of some memes I’ve seen recently on Instagram.  I take these memes as signs most of the time that I’m on the right path.  My path might be some weird winding road, but every now and then I need a reminder of what is going on in this crazy mind of mind, and this crazy world for that matter, is a blessing.  Life is a blessing.  Even when we are feeling down and out and cannot remember such our lives inevitably turn back around and morph into something amazing.  And I say that because even with the sorrow I’ve experienced this year I’ve lived my life.  I will continue to do so and not apologize for how I live my life.  I will concentrate on me a little more. I will love my friends harder.  I will be present.  But most importantly, I will be a better me because I will not stay still.

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