Gnats From Hell

This week everywhere I went in our house, I saw numerous gnats. I kept wondering, “Where the hell are all these little fuckers coming from?!” As some of you might know already, I’ve been decluttering and cleaning, in general, this week. These actions lead me to the gnat issue. Some produce had gone HORRIBLY bad and slid off the back of the stove and onto my dad’s old turntable. As soon as I moved some things back to throw away, a ton of gnats came at me and have been coming ever since. 

They love our garbage can now. I feel like we cannot keep it clean enough. The gnats also adore my cat’s wet food, which is driving me fucking batty because Willow needs it to keep her from having a ton of hairballs. And last but not least, they love our bathroom. I have drowned a ton of them by merely taking showers this week. I have not done this on purpose, but I cannot say that I’m sad they are gone. I’m hoping at this point that killing gnats is not a deal-breaker to get into heaven because I have also taken flyswatters and helped my dad kill them as well. Those are what I deem my intentional killings.

The worst part was earlier today. My coffee from Dunkins was gone, sadly, and I had switched to water. I neglected to drink as much water as I should have on Thursday, so I thought, okay, you need to drink more water on Friday! I was halfway through my glass of water when somehow, one of the gnats flew down my straw and drowned in my water. I feel like this little bastard was on a mission, and it went something like this:

Gnat: I AM GOING TO TAKE ONE FOR MY FELLOW GNAT BROTHERS AND SISTERS. I AM GOING TO FLY DOWN HER DRINK AND INCONVENIENCE HER FOR KILLING US. BOMBS AWAY.

Me: Huh, there’s a gnat on the outside of my….YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE. YOU FLEW INTO MY DRINK ON PURPOSE. UGH, YOU’VE BEEN IN MY STRAW. UGH WHY. GROSS. I’M LOOKING UP HOW TO GET RID OF YOU EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE FLY STICKERS AND HAVE BEEN KILLING YOU REPEATEDLY. THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW.

Gnat friends: HAHAHA, SHE SAID FINAL STRAW, AND HE WENT IN HER STRAW. GO JACOB GO! 

Why his name is Jacob, I don’t know. I didn’t ask him, but I determined he is a Jacob. I’m sorry for all you fabulous Jacobs out there, but this gnat was an asshole. He gave you all a bad name!

Google has taught me something that I feel is not working well. It might not be working as well as I want it to because I want instantaneous gratification. I put half a cup of water, two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, one tablespoon of sugar, and six drops of dish soap in hopes it attracts it and kills them, as Google told me. 

After checking two bowls of this stuff, I only see them lounging about instead of diving right in. Now I feel this is what is going on:

Gnat Dave: Hey Steve! What’s up? Did you hear about what Jacob did for us? 

Gnat Steve: I did! He’s a hero among our kind. She killed a whole innocent family earlier and deserved what she got! 

Gnat Dave: OH MY GOD, WHICH FAMILY?

Gnat Steve: Rebecca, Dylan, Tanya, and Henry.

Gnat Dave: NOT DYLAN! SHE DESERVES WHAT SHE GETS FOR SURE.

More gnats have arrived to chill around their mini swimming pool areas to chat about their dead family members. 

I narrow my eyes and walk away to write this because if I focus on them anymore tonight, I might actually think taking a blow torch to the little bastards is a great idea.