It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

When your mind is as heavy as your heart, sometimes it’s hard to convey what it’s like when you become disheartened. I think a lot of us in a strange place right now. We all want to live our lives to the best of our abilities, but we’re scared and rightfully so. Yet I’ve had one thought replaying over and over.

I need a break from nothing.

I have two containers of meal-prepped frittatas left. Part of me doesn’t want to make more because they require six eggs per batch. I feel selfish for thinking of using them. We cannot easily access them anymore. Salads can only be bought two at a time. I’m assuming fresh veggies are the same since there’s a two-three limit on most products now. I want to lose weight. I don’t want to sacrifice my diet, but I want everyone here to be okay more.

That’s my struggle right now. I am at home, and I will continue to be at home until a run to the store tomorrow. My motivation has depilated in ways I never thought about during times of depression. I’ve been listening to Pink and writing most of my afternoon. I did this after waking up at close to two in the afternoon. I have made it a goal to refuse to look at my phone until tomorrow.  

My brain needs to recoup. My mind needs some replenishment that I cannot even get from the 1040 piece puzzle I have spent over seven hours at this point, according to the timer online. Remind me not to pick a picture to turn into a puzzle with this many variations of black again. I will feel pride when I finish though, because at least I finished something.

I’ve viewed multiple memes about cleaning the house. I’ve seen numerous memes about starting new projects. I keep thinking about them. I keep staring at parts of the house that isn’t clean. I stare at the mixture of what could be garbage at this point and things that need a home elsewhere than the dining room table.  

I could do one of the nine actual puzzles I own if I clean that table off. I could put together three various sets I’ve bought and yet no. I can’t focus on reading anything either really. Even during a group activity online yesterday, I felt distracted. I’m me, but I’m not. When my therapist asked me how she could help me during this, I answered I don’t know.

I told her that I feel like a cat’s ball of yarn tossed around between my two cats currently. It’s not that the idea and desire to do things isn’t there. There’s a desire, but the motivation is practically null and void. She asked me if I had written about this and I said no. I didn’t know what to write. I don’t know what to tell people right now. Upon thinking about this further, I realized it’s not that I don’t know what to say to people. I’ve just revealed a lot about myself above. The truth is, I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to make people feel better. I hate not knowing.

We cannot fix each other. If I have learned nothing from therapy this past year is that we can only mend ourselves. We do not have to be the same person who enters our therapist’s office as we do when we leave. I’m not sure what this feeling is right now other than trauma. Trauma from waking up one more and having my entire world flipped on its head like the rest of the world.  

My sleep habits are a far cry from what they used to be, and subconsciously or not, my anxiety is through the roof. I feel little relief from much anymore, but I know enough not to drink tequila to cope. My body and feminine reasoning have not allowed me to grasp that over sugary goodness yet.

But here’s the truth of it all. It’s okay that I’m not okay. It’s okay not to be okay. This lesson is such a hard mindset to get through our heads at times, but it’s true. Everything I’ve been feeling, everything I’m going to feel it’s okay. We have to let ourselves feel these emotions. But we don’t have to dwell there and sit for days in our filth.  

The most relaxed I’ve been during all this oddly enough is when I’m exercising. When I am on my bike and I am riding, I feel at peace. Now I can’t help but laugh and wonder if it’s because my friend named my bike Matthew McConaughey. I do laugh every time I type, “Damn, Matthew wore me out tonight! So hot and sweaty, I can barely stand it.

I don’t think that’s the entire reason, but I feel the best on the days I’ve exercised. This whole past week, though, I’ve been in a lot of pain thanks to feminine reasons. Feeling fatigued and drained does not help matters during all of this. If you aren’t feeling like yourself or haven’t been, it’s okay. Try and figure out what will bring you inner peace and joy again. Just try. That’s all we can do right now is try. We cannot give up on ourselves or each other.  

We will all come out of this, but for now, it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay not to have the answers, but damn it…I still gotta try to find that puzzle piece somehow.  

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