Gratitude In The Chaos

My body has finally accepted that I do not need to be on alert. It felt weird crawling out of bed at one in the afternoon on March 14th, and I think it’s because I kept thinking I need to do more in my mind. I need to do this, and if I had done this, then this wouldn’t have happened. After talking to my therapist, I agreed that I hadn’t fully processed what happened with my dad. Well, I had processed what occurred, but not my feelings. She told me it was like listening to a third party talking about what had occurred, and I can’t disagree. To be honest, I’m not even sure I truly want to process them now. And maybe this isn’t something I should do publicly, but writing about things has always been easier than truly talking about it sometimes. Writing takes me to this place where I can reveal it all and honestly say fuck you to any judgment that might come my way.

The thought of losing my father is terrifying. I frequently try not to think about it because I don’t want to think about it. Living without my mother is hard enough, but living without him seems as if it would be too much–virtually unbearable. And the moment last week when I thought I lost him, I felt numb. Yes, I had to go into calling 911 mode, but it was like my body went numb. My heart dropped, and in a way, it was as if it quit beating too. I think, in a way, it’s because I could not comprehend him not being here and seeing him every day. I know that’s a fact of life and that all of us having to endure losing our parents, but I knew I was not ready to lose my father. I’m never going to be ready to lose my father. No one can prepare for that event no matter how much they feel they can or have. I realized that much with my mother, despite her passing being sudden.

And even now, typing all this, I think back to feeling like I could control the situation last week. I felt that I could have done more to protect my father. I used those words with my therapist. The craziest part was this was soon after listening to Rachel Hollis’s new book, “Didn’t See That Coming.” The book’s name’s irony is not lost on me as I did not see last week nor last Wednesday in particular coming. I hated seeing my dad helpless, his body going limp, and crumbling, collapsing before me. And the only thing I could control at that moment was getting him help and pray that God did not have plans to take him that morning. I’m not even sure how I had enough sense to ask what hospital they were taking him to that morning. The craziest part was I then went into a mode of fixing what I could, in fact, fix. I made the appointment for my uncle. I focused on what I could control.

The funny thing about control, and what I learned from the book, as mentioned above, is that we are not in control of our lives. I never thought I’d be unemployed this long. I never thought I’d be laid off in the first place. I never thought I would call 911 on my dad again. I never saw any of this happening. The only good thing about all this happening is the time it has given me to evaluate myself. Time with others, even if it has not been in the traditional sense. If I continue to rehash and lie in the pain and negative emotions I felt once upon a time, I’m going to become stuck again, and I refuse to do that. I believe that now and then, we need that day in bed to do nothing and be a slug, but I also believe that we have to get ourselves up the next day and start marching forward to bring positivity back into our lives. And despite a global pandemic right now, things are pretty good. My dad is still alive. My uncle got his staples out today finally, and for a month, he has to wear a nice brace. I have to think positive during a time it isn’t easy. I’m not saying I can always think positive, but I’m actively trying to break a negative mindset because it lends itself to my depression well.

I choose to look forward and control the little bit I can control, albeit my word count for the day, or I recorded an ad yesterday for my podcast. I also wrote out an entire draft and recrafted my first episode because I didn’t think it was flowing right. I got rid of so much crap, but all while working toward something and working toward my goal. And while I will not have a lengthy entry every day here, my goal is to type up something. My goal is to edit and post something. Because honestly, something is better than nothing. Reevaluating where I was a year ago in a post is something. Noticing the older posts that are getting the most views is something. Researching and watching tutorials is, wait for it, SOMETHING. Even if I only get to do these things for an hour a day, I have to set up my to-do list as a result list. I learned this from another Rachel Hollis book, “Girl, Stop Apologizing.” If you have not read her books because you do not think you can relate, trust me, you can, and you will. 

Today in my journal, I’m also choosing to keep daily again, ironically enough on a blog site labeled Robert Englund. It also has pink and black skulls, and while I was trying to fix the journal up the other day, which is a distraction, I realize. Still, I could not see anything I had written in the past because of something that occurred on the site years ago; my dad commented, “Oh, that must be yours because it has pink skulls and a black background.” It has paint splatter too, which I love, making it painfully obvious that yep this is me. I like stuff like that. And while I did not purchase much yesterday, I got some folders, a journal with pink and purple paint splatters on it that says stay inspired, and pens. Pens because while I found 23,976 while I cleaned, none of those seemed to work anymore. I’m not buying the moon, but I am buying things here and there to stay organized and stay on track.

What’s something you’re doing to stay on track right now? What is something you’re grateful for today?